bronandglenn: October 2007

It's good to have a go at writing a blog. I was reading something recently that suggested that teachers needed to get familiar with writing blogs and MySpace, Facebook etc...because the kids we are teaching are all doing these things and the article suggested that teachers should be familiar with these things, to teach kids how to use them responsibly and to understand the risks etc, and also it is a good way to have a connection with kids. I kept that article and was going to bring it up with our staff this term.
I don't teach anymore but am in a position where I can influence what the teachers at my school do, being a Deputy Principal. I know that some people might be wary about us looking at these sites and teaching kids how to use these things but I guess that it is a fact of life that they are on MSN etc regularly and need to know how to be a responsible user. People can be prosecuted for comments that they make in chatrooms and we often get involved in situations where a child/student has bullied another over a chat site and then it impacts on life at school - parents often want us to stop their kids from this cyber-bullying - like we can stop them from doing these things in their own time when they are at home in their parents' care, but I guess our part is to try and influence their behaviour and let them know what is okay and what isn't and then if they choose to do the wrong thing they have to cop the consequences.
Not that all of our students have bad experiences in online activities - I'm sure the majority of our students have lots of fun, build great connections and learn lots from their participation in online experiences. Of course we would rather they be outside playing and running around than on the computer all the time but they are going to do this stuff so the article I read did strike a chord. I am 36 years old, not ancient, but I am feeling kind of out of touch with lots of these new online experiences. Most of the teachers at my school are around my age, some older, some younger but I think that most of us are in the same boat as me - and there are lots of schools in which the staff are on average much older than at our school.
So this is my challenge for the coming months - to continue to try and help our teachers be 'up to speed' with the challenges of modern ICTs....always a challenge with the standard of our computer equipment and classrooms that are not connected to the internet still, after all these years (the wireless option has not worked well for our demountable classrooms)....teachers always complain that these things stop them from providing exciting intellectually challenging experiences on computers for their students....I don't like to see them get bogged down in the whinges but I do acknowledge that it is an issue.
However I think that for many of us, our lack of knowledge and skill gets in the way at times. I used to feel 'up with things' but I don't anymore. I have never had any really good quality professional learning in this area - like most things in our system - they want us to have these high-level skills but there is very little quality PD provided by the system that reaches all teachers.

Enough on that....another issue for Glenn and I at the moment is our 'trying to conceive' journey. We have been trying since April/May last year and we were lucky enough to fall pregnant in August last year but unfortunately I had a miscarriage in November. At around the time we found out about the pregnancy, we also found out that Glenn has a balanced translocation of chromosomes - two of his chromosomes broke when he was conceived (numbers 1 and 9) and they rejoined but some of no 1 is mixed with no 9 and vice-versa. This creates , in the words of our fertility specialist, a 'serious fertility issue for us.' What it means, we are told, is that we have a one in three chance of having a healthy child. I know that things could be worse and we could have worse things to deal with and at least there is some hope.
What could happen is that we could conceive a child who inherits a balanced form of the translocation as Glenn has and this would mean that the child would be healthy but would have these same issues that we are having when he/she tried to have children. Or the child could inherit an 'unbalanced' form of the translocation and because, for Glenn, it involves no 1 chromosome, a big one, we are told that we would be looking at , at best, a child with very severe disabilities who not walk or talk. Because no 1 chromsome is involved we are told that I am more likely to miscarry a foetus who inherits this form, as the disabilities would be so severe but there is a chance I could end up going full-term, which means that if I do get pg again, I will definitely have to have testing to check if the baby has inherited this problem. Or we could be lucky and have a child who is perfectly healthy and whose chromosomes are not affected. Much of what I have read about this and other couples with this issue seems to indicate that we are looking at lots of possible miscarriages..but it can happen that you get a healthy bub :)
It is just going to be a big challenge and we can only hope that some pure luck comes our way at some stage.
I just wish that we were both 10 years younger and had more time to keep trying; that we had met earlier.
We have continued to try to conceive throughout this year and it hasn't happened yet. We've done a number of inseminations (IUIs) but no luck. Recently we had our first attempt at IVF and I found out last weekend that it didn't work. We had had seven eggs 'harvested', three fertilised, two ended up looking okay and these two were 'put back in' but they didn't 'take' for whatever reason. Could be that they weren't okay genetically or it could be any reason.
This week, I received some flowers and other lovely things from Julien, one of my sisters. They are so beautiful and I was so thrilled to receive them and to know that she and her husband were thinking of us after our first IVF attempt. I am of course very jealous of her three gorgeous children and three step-sons but it is not her fault that Glenn and I can't seem to get there at the moment and I really appreciate her care and concern. Those who knew what we were doing have been very supportive and we really appreciate this.
We didn't have any embryos to freeze in the end so now we have to decide whether or not to do a full stimulated IVF cycle again or to wait.
I am a bit torn about whether to wait for a bit and as my acupuncuturist suggested, have a break and build up some good quality 'materials' to to work with :) or to try another cycle before the end of the year, as the Medicare safety net, which we have now reached, works on calendar years and if we do another cycle before the end of the year (if we have time and if my FS suggests it) we will get much of the cost of the cycle back...so I guess it doesn't hurt to try again before the end of the year.
Doing IVF wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, but worse than any of the drugs and needles was the waiting to see if it had worked. I don't really like putting all those hormones and drugs into my body though....
We have talked about using donor sperm but this is such a tough decision. Of course Glenn and I would like any child we have to be from both of us....maybe it just won't happen though. Glenn is open to the idea and would like me to ask about it. I don't want to give up too soon....It is difficult to decide whether or not to use a known donor - these days you have to tell the child that they are from donor sperm and the donor has to consent to being able to be contacted by the child if the child wants to when they turn 18. We are scared that if we did this, that the child will have issues with this when they are older - I guess you just have to deal with this if and when it happens. It may be our only option. We could look at trying to adopt but it seems like it is pretty difficult to adopt an Australian baby and very expensive to adopt a child from overseas; we just don't have $30 000 to do this.
Maybe the issue is me? Then donor sperm would not work anyway. I stress about my weight - I know it would be better to be slimmer when TTC and I struggle on with this. Of course there are many overweight women who smoke and drink and live unhealthy lives and are able to 'breed' but I know it can be an issue.
I know of some couples who have been told that the man does not produce any sperm and they have no other option than to look at a donor - this I think would be awful to hear and very difficult, knowing that for whatever cruel reason, you would never be able to have a child that was both of yours. I really feel for people in this situation...and then I think that in some ways, at least they know what they have to do and the decision is made for them. I guess that people in this situation would feel envious that we do have a chance of having a child that is both of ours. But I hate the idea of going through lots of miscarriages - not that I seem to able to even get pg at the moment. I don't mean to say that our situation is worse than theirs but I just don't know which way to go, whereas the decision is made for people in that situation. I really think that in some ways we are in a better situation but it is just difficult to know which way to go.
I wonder if we are just not meant to have children....maybe this is how it is supposed to be. I try not to think like this and to think positively as I don't want to talk my body into thinking it's never going to happen. Our life is not bad, and it would not be the end of the world. It would just be nice to be able to be parents. Maybe I will be one one day, and I will wish that we hadn't done it!! I don't think so, but it does cross my mind :) I am wary about telling people we are doing IVF because I worry that if we do manage to have a child, that if I ever have the slightest complaint about my child or being a parent, people will say, "Well you wanted to do this...you are the one who spent all that money on trying to have a child, you should just be grateful."
It is a private journey just between Glenn and I but it is one that we need support with, and we do get this. At times, I don't want to talk about it, and at other times I do.
Here I am writing this for the world to see, but maybe someone will stumble on this who understands how it feels and be able to relate to it. It also helps to write it down sometimes. I don't mean to sound all 'woe is me' - we have much to be grateful for in our lives - and we do have each other and that means a lot.
You hear all these stories of people who went on a holiday after trying for years and it happened, or who gave up a stressful job, or who just gave up and then it happened....it would be nice to think that I could do one of these things...but of course, this is always on one's mind and it is a challenge to let go of the hopes and dreams that one has and just let whatever happens happen. In reality, those people who have trouble TTC get very frustrated when people are always saying to you, "Just relax and it will happen." It is something that I find so frustrating - I just want to have a plan and be in control, but there is little that I can do except just try to look after myself, do proactive things and accept that it is out of my hands. Sometimes it seems easier just to give up on the idea of having children altogether. Glenn said to me last night that all we can do is keep trying. If I don't want to look at a donor yet then all we can do is just keep trying and try and be strong. Most of the time, I am, and mostly I feel that I can keep going with this for as long as we need to. Some people set a limit on the number of IVF attempts they will do or the amount of money they will spend on TTC...but I can't do this yet. I don't want to put a limit on trying to have a child. I think that with my age, this will be determined for us anyway at some stage because IVF is very much less successful as you start to approach and get beyond the age of 40.
Anyway, I should get going. Glenn is working on his sister's car today and I have piles of papers from school that I need to go through and get filed and sorted for the new term - I am hopeless at filing things and need to change this once and for all - very determined!!!!!
I have a new great system from the kikki.k workshop I went to and have spent much of my holidays sorting my personal papers and now it is time to do the work ones.